The author and psychologist Lisa Damour has gained popularity among many parents of teenagers. “I’ve been Damour-alizing myself big time for about a month now,” said Rebecca Gold, a mother of three in Great Barrington, Mass. “I love her so much that I just created a verb in her honor.” Ms. Gold, who has two teenagers and a 10-year-old, has been consuming Dr. Damour’s books, listening to her podcast, and “basically trying to channel her.”
In Seattle, Katie Eastwood, the parent of a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old, praised Dr. Damour’s book “Untangled,” which is a guide to a girl’s seven developmental transitions. She said, “the book has saved me over and over again.”
Dr. Damour has been counseling teenagers and their families for over 25 years and is known for providing practical advice based on scientific research. Her latest book, “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers,” has become a New York Times bestseller, following the success of “Untangled” and “Under Pressure.”
As a mother of two daughters, aged 12 and 19, Dr. Damour understands firsthand the challenges and fears of parenting. In recent years, the mental health of children, especially teenage girls, has been a major concern. However, Dr. Damour’s work provides reassurance that parents have the ability to support their teenagers. In her book “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers,” she writes, “Mental health is not about feeling good. Instead, it’s about having the right feelings at the right time and being able to manage those feelings effectively.”
In an interview, Dr. Damour shares her advice on how to support teenagers psychologically and emotionally as they navigate the new school year. Here are some edited and condensed questions and answers:
Q: Lately, a lot of news stories have focused on the worsening mental health of teenagers. What should parents pay special attention to?
A: Parents should watch out for prolonged low or angry moods, as well as what I call “costly coping” behaviors. This includes using unhealthy coping strategies like substance abuse or engaging in harmful behaviors towards oneself or others. It is also important to be alert if a teenager expresses feelings of hopelessness or a desire to harm themselves.
Q: How do you get your teenager to talk to you?
A: Teenagers want to feel in control, so it’s important to give them space. However, they also need to be connected to and supported by adults. They may bring up topics that are important to them unexpectedly. As a parent, it’s important not to take it personally when they’re not in the mood to answer questions and to be receptive when they are ready to talk.
Q: Some families may feel like their kids aren’t opening up naturally. What can they do?
A: Teenagers express their emotions in different ways. Verbalizing feelings is one option, but it’s not the preferred option for every teenager. Some find relief by engaging in physical activities or immersing themselves in activities that match their mood. The priority is for teenagers to have healthy ways to express their feelings, even if it doesn’t involve sharing their deepest emotions through language.
Q: How should parents respond when a teen says, “I’m an adult now. I don’t have to listen to your rules anymore”?
A: Parents should respond warmly by explaining that while the teenager will have independence in the future, for now, they are still a member of the household and need to respect the rules set by the family. It’s important to emphasize that the rules are there to promote respectful treatment of others and ensure the teenager’s safety. Rules that don’t fall into these categories can be up for negotiation.
Q: What can parents do when their child wants to stay home from school due to fears and anxieties?
A: Avoidance of feared situations can worsen anxiety. When teenagers avoid things they fear, it provides immediate relief, but it reinforces the desire to continue avoiding. Missing school can also cause academic and social setbacks. Families should evaluate whether their teenager’s fears are uncomfortable or unmanageable, as under most conditions, teenagers can engage at least partially in the things they fear. Going to school for part of the day is better than staying home completely.
Q: Many parents have mentioned their children’s anxieties related to academic achievement. How can parents help alleviate this pressure?
A: Parents can distinguish between healthy and unhealthy anxiety. Healthy anxiety alerts us to threats and helps us make necessary corrections. Unhealthy anxiety occurs in the absence of a threat or when the anxiety is disproportionate. If a teenager is worried about their academic performance, caring adults can help them consider the consequences from a more realistic perspective and address their concerns.
Q: How do we support a teenager who feels overwhelmed by their demanding schedule?
A: The key is to ensure that teenagers have sufficient time to recover between periods of stress. If their schedule is causing severe sleep deprivation or limiting their ability to spend time with friends, it should be reassessed. It’s important to prioritize their well-being and ensure they have balance and rest opportunities.
Q: What should parents do when their teen faces social distress like being mistreated by friends or being excluded from a friend group?
A: Empathize with the teen’s pain and acknowledge that conflicts and shifts in friendships are normal parts of relationships. Encourage healthy conflict management by suggesting direct and fair communication or creating distance if necessary. Remind your teen that friendships may change, and that doesn’t mean the past experiences were not valuable.
Q: When should parents step back and let their teenager work things out themselves?
A: Parents can adopt the role of a coach between being overly involved and completely hands-off. It’s important to help teenagers manage challenges while allowing them to develop their problem-solving skills and independence. By supporting and guiding them, parents can strike a balance that helps teenagers navigate their own experiences.